Navigate Consensual Non-Monogamy Like a Boss
We have been taught that monogamy is the only way to have fulfilling relationships and many of us are quickly realizing this no longer fits our lives. However, the concept of a ‘relationship’ can have a wide range of meanings and appearances to different people. As a Marriage and Family Therapist and Identity and Pleasure Coach, I’m here to tell you: It is very possible to have relationships with multiple people at a time and be just as fulfilled. This is where ethical non-monogamy (ENM) comes into play.
Non-monogamy is the umbrella term describing the practice or philosophy of a non-dyadic intimate relationship. There are many forms of non-monogamy, including but not limited to polyamory/polgamy, open relationships, swinging, and much more. The biggest, and most important, key to ENM is that all parties involved have consented to the terms of their arrangements.
There are a plethora of reasons people are moving towards the non-monogamy route, and whatever your reason is completely up to you and totally valid! I work with clients who are curious about dabbling in non-monogamous structures and dynamics but may find themselves either scared to put themselves out there or may not even know where to start.
So, I’ve put together a few tips to help you navigate non-monogamy like the boss you already are and get your needs met!
Identify Your Why
Before delving into the non-monogamous space, you want to identify your reason for delving into this kind of relationship dynamic. There is no right or wrong reason, per se, however, your intentions will set the tone for your experience. Whether you’re looking for sexual partners to satisfy an itch you can’t scratch by yourself, or you’re looking to experience new things and people - finding out your why can help you narrow down your search and provide clarity on your needs.
It is important to note that ENM isn’t a placeholder for cheating or moving without the consent of your partner(s).
Create Boundaries & Terms
Once you’ve discovered your why, the next important step is creating boundaries and terms for you and your partner(s) to adhere to. In order to fulfill this step, communication with self and others is vital. Your boundaries and terms are completely up to you and your partner(s), as long as everyone is enthusiastically consenting to it all.
Explore & Find Like-Minded Folks
Putting yourself out there as ENM can be quite scary and overwhelming. You can attract a wide range of potential partners who are also exploring ENM, however, they may not align with the dynamic you’re interested in. It is important to be upfront with the kind of structure you’re looking for (sexual, romantic, short-term, long-term, etc) that way you’re able to narrow down your search.
There are a lot of communities geared towards helping like-minded folks find one another, whether to date or just to learn from each other. There are online communities such as FetLife (although more BDSM/Kink friendly), or in person communities like Remodeled Love or Atlanta Poly.
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!
When you find a potential partner, it’s extremely important to regularly engage in conversations around your needs and emotions. Going back to the first tip of finding out your why - this can be helpful recognizing what relationship/sexual needs you have and how you want to go about getting them met. If your partner or potential partner is apprehensive or may not be able to meet your needs the way you want, be open to finding alternative ways to get them met! ENM provides a broader space to discover how to be satisfied mentally, emotionally and sexually.
Also, understand that you are just as human as anyone else and strong emotions such as jealousy are bound to show up. When strong emotions present themselves, view them as an opportunity to check in about unmet needs and how you’d like to be soothed that fits everyone’s comfort.
Make sure to do your research and learn more about non-monogamy to see if this is a great fit for you. Keep in mind that you always have the right and power to change your mind. The beauty of ENM is that you can create the kind of dynamic that works for you!
